The Smile

I am NOT an English major. Contrary to what a friend thinks, not all people who teach are English majors.

No, I'm a gym rat. I watch sports for a living.

I'm partial to fiction if there is a good love story involved...50 Shades of Gray does NOT count...

I'm too literal to really understand many works of literature.

It may be surprising that I do, in fact, have a favorite poem.  It should come as no surprise that I found the author to this poem from a movie about baseball.

I think we can all agree that one of the best baseball movies is Bull Durham. Susan Sarandon and Kevin Costner nail baseball in the minor league!

My sophomore year of college I could not go to sleep if I hadn't watched BD. I was in love with Crash Davis. I even named my goldfish after Kevin Costner’s character.

There is a scene where Annie, Susan Sarandon’s character, barges in to Crash's house and they have a huge argument. This is a key point in the movie and one of my favorite scenes. She flips an ironing board over for goodness sakes!

During this argument, and before she admits her true feelings to the handsome catcher, Annie quotes William Blake. Now, I don't remember the quote, but I certainly remember William Blake.

Stay with me, there is a point, I promise.

That same sophomore year I flew to Portland to stand outside the Mormon Temple while a friend from high school got married. I was technically a bridesmaid, but since I'm not Mormon I had to wait outside with the other non-Mormons, including the bride's parents. It was pretty crappy, but I held her mom's hand and acted silly to keep everyone happy.

After the "ceremony" the non-Mormons toured Portland and ended up at a used-book store. With William Blake's name in my head I decided to see what he was about.

I flipped to a couple poems, but I saw one simply titled "The Smile". I was drawn to this as one of my best features at the time was my perpetual smile.

The poem follows:

There is a smile of love,
And ther is a smile of deciet,
And there is a smile of smiles
In which these two smiles meet.

And there is a frown of hate,
And there is a frown of disdain,
And there is a frown of frowns
Which you strive to forget in vain;

For it sticks in the heart's deep core,
And it sticks in the deep back bone.
And no smile that ever was smil'd
But only one smile alone,

That betwixt the cradle & grave
It only once smil'd can be;
But when it once is smil'd,
There's an end to all misery.

I was recently reminded of this poem and read it for the umpteenth time. It is so lovely.

Yes, there are many smiles and a certain Cheshire Cat I know definitely has the market on the two Smiles meeting.

The frown of frowns is interesting, because whether you are the cause of, or the one bearing the frown  you try to forget but it lingers.

But there is only one smile that ends all misery. And the beauty is that ONE Smile is different to each person. I like to think of it as the smile when you are with a person who fulfills you.

TMAM may think to the first time she saw her beautiful children smile.

Regardless, it's the smile of true love.

So many of my friends are struggling with that smile lately.

There are fantastic men who feel like parts of them are dead because of a woman. I really REALLY wish it was one, but I pluralized "men" for a reason.

As a single girl I used to think it was men who “sucked”. Now, I’m not so sure. People can be cruel regardless of sex. I will say the few women I have in mind for my fabulous male friends really do stink as human beings. However, I think it’s just that guys don’t deal with the crap as well. They don’t talk about stuff that bugs them. They are taught as little boys to “suck it up” and “deal with it like a man”. Some things you just need help with. How do you get your smile back when all you think about is the hurt?

I am the biggest supporter of therapy and talking feelings out. I am fortunate to have an amazing network of friends who help me by listening and offering strong advice when I am ready to hear it.

Everyone should have that.

Everyone should have an outlet for the crap.

As Mr. Blake promises there is a smile. It will be smiled, and when it is there will be an end to the misery.

Heads up my friends! Talk about the crap when you need to. Let people listen…

And until you do find THAT smile...fake it.

Inspiration poem...The Smile by William Blake

Eyes Wide Open

Experience is a funny thing. For the most part it's an educational tool.

When we were younger we learned by doing things. If it didn't "give hurt" (a phrase used by Jack London in Call of the Wild) and it worked we knew to repeat the same process. If, however, we ended up getting punished or it didn’t work we adapted and tried another approach.

How many times do we have to make mistakes before we make those adaptations though??

It should come as no surprise I am now going to segway into my seemingly endless task of trying to find another human being to share my life.

Here it goes.

You can say I have a "type" and follow certain patterns. In my 20's I only wanted to be around rodeo cowboys. I was young and single and not horrible to look at. They were young, for the most part single, and not sticking around very long. I was not interested in settling down.

How could I be when every night was a party?!?

That part of my life was fun and exciting! I lived an impulsive lifestyle and don't regret a single moment of it.

I realized a couple years ago the drifter lifestyle needed to be shelved…or did I?

So now my newest “type” seems to be a divorced single dad. Oddly, they have all had sons, not a daughter among them. The second oddity is the son’s name usually starts with a C. This is consistent to the fact that two out of three dads share the same name.

(I really thought I was more adventurous than this)

The two with the same name have been well documented on this site and I don’t feel like rehashing at the moment.

There is a third, and this one cracks me up because he is literally every man I’ve ever known rolled into one tall handsome package.

I could be tempted to fall back on past behavior and really like this guy. However I have decided my job is to learn from past experience and not make the same mistakes.

Such.a.tall.order.

Not that tall…

He lives five hours away. Apparently I like my men not only emotionally unavailable, but physically as well.

I know where this will end.

I did this to myself.

I knew I would like this man.

I knew leaving him would be hard.

I still did what I wanted because that’s who I am.

This is where I realize why Sweetness changed and went POOF. It was a way to prepare me for this latest adventure. If I had not had my experience with him I would be inclined to really screw up.

Women have a natural tendency to want to talk to the object of our affection…a lot. That is probably one of the reasons Sweetness vanished. It was too much. I was too much. I didn’t back the EFF off.

I have to rely on my past experience and not make the same mistakes. I have to play it cool. Let the cards fall where they may. I still want to maintain a friendship with this man.

I did not walk into this situation unknowingly. My eyes were wide open. All the negatives were standing tall among all the positives.  

The great thing about waking up every morning is we have a chance at something great every time we do it. Maybe this is the experience that will propel me to a bigger and better adventure…

Inspiration Song…Eyes Wide Open by Gotye

Have I Made and Impact???

A friend once told me she was at a point in her life where she "needed to be needed". Of course this was as she was showing me how to take care of her athletes because HealthSouth decided to pull six athletic trainers from the Seattle public schools this leaving her out of a job.

At the time I didn't understand it, but it made an impact as I am talking to you about it almost 10 years later.  I knew there would be a time in my future where I would feel the same way.

That time has come.

One of my New Year’s goals is to be a better friend to those who love me. I need them to need me and want me around. I need to add value to their lives and do better by them. I hope to this point in the year some would argue I have, but I feel last night I did something far greater than just being a better friend.

If God has me on this planet after almost being crushed to death then I feel there is a bigger plan for me.

If I don't get to live the life of a white picket fence and 2.3 kids there BETTER be a bigger purpose for me to be on this planet.

Maybe last night was a start.

May 22 finally arrived.

The night of the Be the Match registration drive.

The drive I have been talking about so much.

The drive to see if by chance someone in our community could be a bone marrow match to BigBrother.

It's just as important now as it was six weeks ago when BigBrother was first diagnosed. See, his numbers have improved a great deal. His good blood cells are starting to come alive on their own, and the bad blood cells (blasts) have decreased 10%.

Yay, right?

Not so much.

He still has a tough road. He found out today he will have to go through a second bout of chemo. Blech!

I know his body will respond positively as it did last time. We knew this road was going to be hard. There is no "instant fix" with cancer.

He, most likely, will still need a bone marrow transfer. The Community of Langham Creek stepped up last night as they have so many times already. We registered FIFTY, that's 5-0 people!

That is fifty chances to save a life!

Fifty more people in the world who could make a major impact on another person.

I used to joke that by surviving being crushed meant I was going to save a life one day. I would love the opportunity to be the person who had their narrow sucked out, but if I helped someone by getting a person registered or if by talking openly about it I am able to, then RAD.

My life meant something.

I was needed.

To those of you unable to make it to Langham don't fret you can still register. Please go to www.bethematch.org and click on "Join the Registry".

SWAB + DNA = SAVE A LIFE

Share this blog with your community. Post it on your facebook or any other social network site you prefer. Open the lines of communication.

To date 52 people have registered through Be The Match just in my little world. Think of the impact we can make if we all shared a little!

Inspiration Song…Have I Made an Impact by Steve McConnell

Be a Winner

There are so many things I need to tell you Blogosphere world!

Such as how I am able to wear a size 8 short and take them off without unbuttoning them.  (Super Rad)

The cute guy from the apartment complex finally noticed me and introduced himself at the pool this last weekend. (Rad)

And that this journey is definitely not without some setbacks. (not even a little Rad)

I’m not going to spend much time on those things today. I want to talk about my brand new exercise machine!

Have I told you about the ElliptiGo?

Oh.my.goodness!

What in the world is an ElliptiGo?!

The ElliptiGo is newish exercise equipment on the market. There are three levels depending on how many gears you are looking for; a 3-gear, an 8-gear, and an 11-gear. I won the 3-gear ElliptiGo.

     **Here it is sitting in my driveway!

I will tell you this honestly, the ElliptiGo is probably the hardest thing I have ever done!

I spent five minutes on it the first day and was seriously out of breath. Last night I gutted up and went around the apartment complex for 30 minutes and my heart rate got up in the 140-155 range, same as being on a spin bike or running on the treadmill.

The selling point to the ElliptiGo is the fact it simulates outdoor running without the high impact on joints. My friend at a local University uses a couple for rehabilitation on track athletes who are unable run. The athletes are able to get outside, but not sustain further repetitive impact injuries.

There are some limitations to the build. I won’t be able to use it when I am working contract athletic training gigs, it can only be used on paved surfaces, no gravel or grass. You have to have good balance to work this thing. Turning is really hard with a shallow wheel base and standing on a rickety surface. I think that will come as I get more comfortable though. I’m not comfortable taking my hands off the steering bars just yet either. I tried…I fell.

Before I go on any long rides I will have to get a helmet to protect my coconut. Even though I am only 5’6” it is still a long way to fall and hit my head.

I am excited to bring it to school next week and show off. I am finally comfortable enough not to look like an idiot.  

So how did I end up with one of these crazy things?!?

I WON IT!!!

On either the iPhone or Droid there is an application called “Be Fit Stay Fit Challenge”. It’s a free application that allows you to track the number of days in a week you exercise.

Key word…challenge…

Here is how it works: Say you go for a 30-minute run on the treadmill on Thursday. That is now your start day of the week.  Log that activity in the application and you have had a “successful day”. My favorite part, one of the icons at the bottom of the screen turns from green to yellow! I cannot stand to have any green left at the bottom of my screen.

     **There is no extra credit by doing more than one activity during the day, but it’s interesting to track how many hours you are actually doing activity, so I log everything.**

Now, if by the next Thursday you have five successful days you have earned a successful week.

A successful week enables you to be entered in a drawing for various prizes. Prizes include a TRX strap, a scale that measures weight and body fat, a home exercise kit with some exercise tubing and an exercise ball, or the now explained ElliptiGo.

I have no idea what week I actually finished and earned my name being in the drawing. I opened my Yahoo email account in early April and there was an email claiming I was a BFSF winner and the prize was an ElliptiGo 3C. All I had to do was send my shipping information. No credit card, not payment information. The company was sending me a free machine! All I have to do is take a picture of me on it and tell people how I earned it.

Here I am telling you about it Blog-o-world, now I just need a picture of me ON it. I have a picture of me. I have a picture of it, not me ON it. That will come.

All this came from trying to find a way to track my exercise and keep motivated. I NEVER thought I would actually be a winner. Now I can boast I am not only a winner, but a winner of the top valued prizes (it runs a cool $1,800).

I have logged more than 102 hours of activity since I started this in February or March. It’s a great way to track the different activities I complete. Also, I hate leaving a week with any green icons at the bottom of my screen, so my motivation stays high. If there is a week I haven’t been able to make it to the gym and its Thursday and there are not athletic events that night I make sure I get my hind end out and do something.

The beauty is the “something” can now be in my own apartment complex and not inside on a treadmill!

I highly recommend you checking out the BFSF Challenge on your smart phone or tablet. You never know if you will be the next winner. I didn’t think I would be!

Whatever your dream…be a winner…

Inspiration Song…Be a Winner by Hunter Hayes

Karma

I have been trying to write a post based on this song for quite a while...and I really want to be more positive with my posts.

We all go through down times and I appreciate you sticking with me through mine!

Here's the good news, things are looking up...

No, Sweetness hasn’t mysteriously come back into my life and I haven't heard if Jerkface has caught a disease that gives him boils all over his face.

I just feel like getting back to myself.

Here is a breakdown of some awesomeness:

I was able to talk to BigBrother today!! He is tired and fighting multiple side effects from the chemo, but sounds pretty good. I wish I could do more to help. Hopefully the Bone Marrow Registration drive May 22 (put it on your calendar) will help.

Raising awareness AND finding a possible match can’t be a bad thing, right??

I’ve been talking to BabbyMamma quite a bit this week. She is due any day now! I appreciate that she is honest about the fact she hasn't enjoyed pregnancy as much as she thought. Some women just don’t like it that much. She’s not the first mom to think that. I admire her so much for this journey she's on. It's not easy, but she is smart and young and STRONG!

I'm selfish that I just want to hold little man and spoil him rotten!!

Yes, things are good. I can even feel the coaches relaxing around me. It may have helped that I actually had some drinks with them the last couple of weeks.

It’s about time…I've been in my job for eight months.

A few years back a cousin told me the first six months of any new job are the hardest. If you get to six months you will feel everything click into place. As great as I felt at the beginning of this school I know that is absolutely true. The last few weeks things have “clicked”. The coaches know me and more importantly I know HOW to talk to them. Since communication is the key to everything, learning how to do it is the first step!

I surround myself with constant reminders of my positive attitude and life changes.

And keeping with the theme of the post...I wear a new “Karma” bracelet that reminds me what goes around, comes around. I know the good things I have done and am doing in my life will be rewarded in the long run. It’s pretty too, which helps me feel pretty, which in turn makes me feel better.

The other thing that makes me feel GREAT is a bit of knowledge I received on Tuesday…I am officially down to my goal weight loss of 20 pounds and my body fat has dropped 5% since January.

Huge numbers!

If that isn’t a reason to be excited I don’t know what is!!!

I’ve decided not to stop here. I still have 5% body fat to go and hopefully another 20 pounds, but I look pretty damn good in jeans.

My favorite Scotsman is coming to town this weekend as well. I can’t believe it has been THREE years since we went camping in the Davis Mountains. It does not matter what name you give him; friend, brother, whatever, I canNOT wait to see his wonderfully ugly mug back in Texas!

So, there you have it. Although I try to put a funny polish on things and have worked to maintain a positive attitude some days have just sucked. Now it is time to take the sucky days and push them aside.

It is time to count the blessings. Every night I write one thing about the day that was positive or a “win”. It’s amazing there is always something positive to say about the day.

I think today's will be "I was able to write a second blog in the same week!"

Inspiration Song...Karma by Alicia Keys

Come and Take It

I am proud to say I can actually fit into a size SMALL t-shirt. It really doesn't look half bad and is comfortable enough to sleep in.

I love sleeping in old t-shirts. I hate the baggy ones though. I hate getting hung up on too much fabric. I had an aunt who insisted I wear a nightgown to a sleepover…worst night ever. Love LindaLou, but not her choice is sleeping garb.

So what is so special about this particular shirt? Well, it's supposed to be worn by Sweetness at this very moment.

You see on our fabulous four days in Central Texas he told me he wanted a t-shirt of the Gonzales Flag. It's the one that says "Come and take it" with the cannon and lone star.

So how did this come to be MY new pj shirt?

The last day Sweetness and I talked was April 10, his birthday. I was so excited his gift was here and he was so not excited because he "doesn't really celebrate his birthday".

Here we are a month later and I guess he really wasn't kidding!

A little backtrack…On Friday I received my Just Pruitt t-shirt in size medium. It fits well, but a little baggier than I remember mediums fitting. I don't care, I wear it proudly in honor of BigBrother, but it got me thinking. What if I'm ready for another step down the fashion sizing chain?

The Gonzales shirt has been sitting on my desk staring at me this whole time. On Saturday I decided it was a waste for something so great to sit and wait until January when my inevitable sighting of Sweetness will occur. I'd already told him in an email that I couldn't use the gift, because I didn't in my wildest dreams imagine my shoulders and chest and stomach could fit into a SMALL. Since he wasn’t claiming it I thought what the Hell???

Feeling silly I tried the shirt on. I didn't have to hold my breath or suck anything in! The arms were actually loose! I love there isn’t extra fabric…not getting hung up!

So now I have a new shirt. It is a reminder of a fabulous time in my life and makes me feel good to wear it.

Who doesn't like to sleep in something with that description?!?

I started thinking about other things men have left in their wake in and out of my life. It's a silly list, really.

Let’s start with LSU football. I love anything purple and gold with a tiger mascot. That was determined when I grew up in Lewiston, ID. But my true passion for Louisiana's team happened when a boy asked me to visit Baton Rouge to tailgate and watch a game.

Such an awesome experience!!!

As a college student I always worked games, so tailgating wasn't an option. The “Red Stick” welcomed me with opened arms and I hope there will be a day I can make a return trip!

The best leave-over turned into half of the best Christmas present EVER for Trainer…

A Fossil watch!

This is a family show, so the details are simply; I had a date and a watch ended up staying.

The boy did not.

Not a loss...

When I was trying to figure out what to get Trainer for the Holiday I found the watch! It was big and silver and Fossil (all his favorite things) and FREE (my favorite). There was also an Aflac bobblehead duck, but that is a different story to tell.

The list is much longer; some items are material, some are feelings, some are bars, some are music.

Any of the men could have had any of the items returned if they’d just come and taken them. However, the lesson is  learned that people (in this case men) leave marks in our lives when they pass through...if we're lucky that is...

I am so glad my experiences have exposed me to so many great things. Not a one would I replace.

So, I maintain the same stance those 168 men and women had in Gonzales, TX in 1835. Come and take it!

Inspiration Song…Come and Take It by Delbert McClinton and Rusty Wier

Crazy

Life has been pretty crazy lately. In truth, the life of a high school athletic trainer often is crazy. There is no “off-season” for us. From August until May we are virtually 24/7. So, by nature we can handle the crazy. So don’t take this as a complaint. It’s just the fact of life as I know it to be true.

We are currently at the beginning of the end. The school year is winding down. The big TAKS test was completed last week and End of Course (EOC) exams will be sporadic over the next two weeks. Add to that the AP exams starting Monday and the kids are at the end of their ropes.

Just.three.more.Mondays!!!

In my little world we have spring football and playoff baseball to look forward to.

Spring football is not a new concept, but I have never done it at the 5A level in Texas. It consists of not one, not two, but FOUR weeks of full-contact practice four days a week. So far there are some kinks to be worked out. There are some injuries that need attention and some students who need to make the switch from Junior and follower to Senior and Leader.

The morning treatments are the hardest for Doc and I. Out-of-football-shape kids are hitting for the first time since November. The training room is FULL!! Treatments begin at 615am. Have you ever tried to get a high school boy up and out of the house to put ice on his body at 615am? I personally think Doc and I are miracle workers for that alone!

They ALL come.

Crazy!

As I mentioned baseball is also in the playoffs again this year. We are actually co-District Champions. I’m very proud of the boys and the coaching staff. They have done a great job staying motivated and focused on the big goal.

They won their first playoff game last night and have to wait until Saturday to find out who their opponent will be in the second round. Yep, the won one game and advance.

You see, our coach wanted to play a traditional 3-game series to determine who advances. However, the other team won the toss and got to choose. When Doc asked their athletic trainer why the coach opted for only a one-game series the trainer said “We aren’t that good, and are hoping to steal one from you.”

Wow, gamesmanship!

It almost worked. We played and uninspired game, but I feel a bounce back coming.

Our next opponent had their own little bout of gamesmanship. One coach wanted one game and lost the toss. So, the coach who won chose a three-game set starting on Friday night. Meaning they play Friday night at one location and Saturday at Noon at the same location. IF a third game is needed that would be played at the OTHER teams field at 7pm. Play three hours in Texas heat turn around and get back to your field to set up and play a third game in two days?

Gamesmanship. Well done coaches.

CRAZY!

I love spring time, new beginnings and whatnot. You just have to take the crazy with everything else.

The craziness does not stop once spring football and baseball are done. May 22 will be the annual spring sports physicals held on our campus. 350 boys and girls will file through our hallways getting poked and prodded and tested by athletic trainers, coaches, and doctors.

Because I didn’t think I would be busy enough that night I scheduled a Bone Marrow Registration Drive in honor of BigBrother at the same time! It will be one of my more taxing evenings and to be honest I am worried. Not because I don’t think it will go well, it will.

I just worry about things. It’s CRAZY!

I hope and pray we get people out and educated on Bone Marrow Donation. I hope there is someone who can be a match for BigBrother. I hope people can set aside their fear of the physical pain donation could cause them.

Maybe I’m not so worried as I am hopeful?? Whatever the word, my stomach is in knots.

In the long run I have faith it will work out. But I won’t relax until the night is over.

I’m a little crazy.

Embrace the craziness.

“Difficult doesn’t mean impossible. It simply means that you have to work hard.”

Inspiration Song...Crazy by Aerosmith