There is a feeling that I am unable to open my eyes, but the restfulness does not find me. My mind is a whir with images of random events. My heart hurts for friends I can no longer see.
Not all my nights are unpleasant. Some nights I am excited about an upcoming trip or even a big game. It does not make the insomnia better, because I want to be well rested.
I feel like this has been something I have had since I was little. Remember my post on talking to myself? My imaginary friends kept me awake all through my childhood. I don't think I had one imaginary friend. I think I had an entire imaginary world. Maybe it sounds crazy, but what good is a blog if you don't put a little of yourself out there?
The first two years I lived in Texas I didn’t sleep. I was worried every day that something would happen to an athlete and I would have to tell coach our "star" was done for the season. Coach was OLD and it would have been like disappointing my grandfather!
I moved to Houston and slept! It was glorious!
It took me three years, and then I met Ch---hole. For 18 months I got less than the required amount of sleep consistently. I cannot count the number of nights an hour, yes you read that correctly singular, is all I received and then worked a 14 hour day. It was not the brightest thing I ever did. I was young-ish and thought I was invincible.
Insomnia has been off and on ever since. Some nights require a muscle relaxer, and others I just fight through. Crosswords work. This blog helps. Alcohol is not a friend to sleep. Yes, I may pass out, but am awake in a few hours and unable to get back to sleep.
I can't say I miss those days of sleep, because I don't think I ever really had that many. I am jealous of those who can sleep before hitting the pillow. Sandpile can. FreightTrain could before law school.
I know many of my friends take Ambien and that worries me a little. I'm becoming less and less of a drug fan anyhow, but especially for sleep. I don't judge them. I just worry, and when I can't sleep I think of those friends and it leads to more worry, which leafs to less sleeping! It’s a vicious circle!
When I am awake and its daylight I know my life is just as it should be and I am where I need to be. I wish my brain could catch up to that at night!
Inspiration Song...Up Kinda Late Last Night by Cross Canadian Ragweed
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